2. Start with the free fruit. This will occupy the wild animals children for approximately 3.5 minutes.
3. Move quickly. Any stops will prompt your monsters kids to start shopping for themselves by pulling any and all eye-level items into their car and subsequently forcing you to buy the chewed on box of oatmeal.
4. Do not- I repeat, do not, put their favorite snack into the cart while they’re looking, unless you enjoy listening to them wail over, said favorite item, for the entire duration of your grocery shopping trip. You must be quick and covert.
5. Keep the cart out of arms reach of the shelves at all times. ‘Nuff said.
6. When the mid-store shit show shenanigans begin, threaten them with the upcoming free cookies at the deli.
7. If that doesn’t work, threaten to make them ride IN the cart next time.
8. Buckle. Them. In. Maybe bring zip ties.
9. Enjoy your grocery shopping experience by bringing along your ear buds and enjoying your favorite pandora station while your kids fight over honking each other’s squeaky horn and who is steering the car.
10. Best trick of all- don’t bring them! Leave kids with the husband. Actually get everything you need. Get your nails and hair done in the same amount of time it takes to shop with the kids. Also, this method doesn’t require day drinking upon arriving back from the grocery.